The key election policies explained | Breakthrough Funding

Monday, May 4, 2015

The key election policies explained (using two cows)

Before you vote on Thursday - make sure you're completely familiar with the key political concepts of our time.

ANCIENT BRITISH CONSERVATISM: You have two cows. Your Lord of the Manor takes some of the milk and all of the cream.

OLD LABOUR SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You then have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need but you have to give some of it to people on benefits even though they have a Sky satellite dish.

LIB DEM PRO-EU BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out hundreds of forms in triplicate, accounting for the missing cows.

SNP DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You bought them with your own money but your Scottish neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

UKIP IDEALISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them by law, but the government takes all the milk. They give you British beer by way of compensation. You count your cows again and discover you really have four cows. You have more beer. You count them again and discover you have ten cows! You can’t be bothered to look after that many cows any more.

DEMOCRACY ACCORDING TO THE GREENS: You have two bovines of non-specified gender. You’re not allowed to milk them for fear of discriminating against women. The courts deem your cows inherently dangerous to anyone who has ever been frightened by a farm animal. You have to put them down.

DEMOCRACY ACCORDING TO SINN FEIN: You have two cows. They’re in a field in London but you live in Northern Ireland. You plan to milk them of everything they can give . . . from a distance.

BRITISH IMPERIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them to fund the search for weapons of mass destruction hidden by a despot far away whose name you can't remember. They draft you into the army to fight in a country you've never heard of, with guns that don’t work properly.

DEMOCRACY ACCORDING TO ‘THE SUN’: You don't have any cows, but the government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the Prime Minister is found guilty of having an affair with the daughter of the cows' owner. The Sun dubs the affair "Cowgate".

TRADITIONAL BRITISH DEMOCRACY, NO MATTER WHO IS IN POWER: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains on the advice of government experts. Months later, they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

CITY OF LONDON CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss. You sell the other one to a publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. You execute a debt to equity swap so that you get four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via one of the Bank’s overseas branches in the Virgin Islands to a company secretly owned by the majority shareholder. He sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more, even though you still only have two cows. 

PRO-SINGLE CURRENCY GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You work all the hours God sends to genetically engineer them, so they're all blond and produce three times more milk than Greek cows. The Greeks claim you bought the cows with money stolen by your great-Grandad. This has given you an unfair competitive advantage and explains why their cows are lazy. They demand compensation.

MULTI-PARTY ITALIAN COALITIONISM: You have two cows. You can’t find them but nobody seems worried.

FRENCH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another one.

HINDU DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You worship them.

There's more you should know